Where Everyone Belongs....

Give more thoughtful responses when approaching children with positive praise/encouragement…

‘You do a good job of…” Children should be encouraged when they do not expect it, when they are not asking for it

“You have improved in…” growth and improvement is something we expect and watch for from all children. Where there is improvement, there is less chance for discouragement and children will continue to try and improve.

“We like (enjoy) you, but we don’t like…” Often a child feels like he is not liked after he has misbehaved and had consequences. A child should never think that HE is not liked, rather is distinguished between the child and the behavior.

“You can help me by…” To feel useful and helpful is important to everyone. Children want to be helpful and feel needed. Give them many opportunities to help!

“Let’s try it together.” Children who think they have to do things perfectly are often afraid to attempt something new for fear of making a mistake or failing. Join them in the task!

“Keep trying. Don’t give up!” When a child is trying, but not meeting success, comments of encouragement help give confidence. Mistakes can also lead to learning something in the future.

“I’m sure you can straighten this out (solve this problem, etc.) but if you need any help, you know where to find me!” Adults who express their confidence that children are able and will resolve their own conflicts if given a chance will give their children invaluable practice in life-skills.

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Effective discipline helps children learn self-control and cooperation. It is important that reward and punishment are not effective methods of discipline in the long-term. They teach children to expect an adult to be responsible for their behavior. It is helpful and important to remember that children always misbehave for reasons. Our job, as parents and teachers and adults in their lives, is to discover what is causing them to behave or misbehave.

Why Children Behave or Misbehave:

• How children feel (sleepy, hungry, rested)
• Weather (hot/cold, being inside for too long
• Changes in routine (trips, visitors, new baby, etc.)
• Boredom (too much TV, lack of variety in activities)
• Over excitement (birthdays, holidays, etc.)
• Growth and independence (wanting to try things that are inappropriate)
• Situations (long shopping trips, sitting still for too long, too many adult-focused activities)
• Relationships (relate to different people in different was based on responses)
• Learning which behavior works best (children learn to behave or misbehave by watching others)
• Rivalry and jealousy (children feel the need to compete for parents’ love and attention)

Effective Methods to Remember:

D is for Distracting the children (redirecting/point out ways to be helpful)

I is for Ignoring misbehavior when appropriate

Structuring the environment

C is for Conrolling the situation, not the child

I is for Involving the child through choices and consequences

P is for Planning time for loving

L is for Letting the child take a break, when needed / Take away privileges

I is for Increasing your consistency

N is for Noticing positive behavior- use encouraging statements

E is for Expectations / clear instructions of expected behavior

Use natural and logical consequences to give choices to a child. Natural consequences result from behavior going against the laws of nature. Logical consequences are the result of behavior going against the rules of social cooperation.

Logical Consequences:

• Express the rules of social living
• Are related to the misbehavior
• Separate the deed from the doer
• Are concerned with what will happen now, not with past behavior
• Are given in a friendly way
• Permit choice

Guidelines for Using Logical Consequences:

• When a child makes a decision, let the decision stand for the moment. Later, give the child another opportunity to cooperate.
• Increase the amount of time for the consequences each time the same  misbehavior occurs.
• When you give a child a choice, phrase the choice respectfully
• Respect the child’s choice
• Say as little as possible, and avoid nagging or threatening language
• Make it clear when there is no choice
• Keep hostility out of consequences

By helping children understand the rules, showing them acceptance and love, protecting them from over stimulation and providing them with a stimulating environment, we can prevent much of children’s unnecessary misbehavior… making life with them more fun!

(from the book “Positive Discipline” by Jane Nelson Ed. D)

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As a Mom of four active children, I know the end of my day can get stressful, especially around dinner time.  The whole family is tired and hungry…and wants dinner NOW!  And while it would be so much easier to drive through for a dinner of Happy Meals, I know in my heart that it’s not the healthiest or wisest choice for our family.  It’s important to establish healthy eating habits and one of the best ways to do that is by sitting down to a meal together.

Over the years I’ve discovered three things that have helped me combat the stress of mealtimes.  Quite simply, they are: keeping it simple, involving the kids, and remembering to pray!

I used to hate menu planning since it was so challenging to come up with options that were healthy AND liked by all members of the family.  Now I use Emealz.com for easy menu planning and shopping.  For a small monthly fee the site customizes a 7 meal menu plan (dinners) and shopping list for my size family, my style of food and at the store I prefer to shop.  It’s so easy!  Just knowing what’s for dinner cuts my stress level in half!  The menus I’ve chosen are simple, healthy and enjoyed by everyone.

I also take the time to involve my kids with meal preparation, table setting and clean up.  Some of my kids love it and others think of it as a chore.  I get the help I need and they get to feel like a contributing part of our family (all while learning important life skills).  It used to seem easier to “do it myself,” but I’ve found that having a special “dinner helper” cuts down on the whining during the pre-dinner wait time.  If you have multiple children, you can also rotate tasks.  For example, my 11 year old loves to pick a recipe from the menu and take on the role of “Chef.”  Even young children can help carry napkins to the dinner table and scrape their own plate into the trash.  This helps us spend time together at the end of our busy days, which is so important after having spent most of it apart.

Where would I be without prayer?  I’d be a much more impatient, overwhelmed and tired Mom!  I pray when I start feeling any of those emotions show up and boy does it help!  Not only does it calm me down, but it also reminds me to count my blessings.  And it’s always nice to pray together as a family before our meal.  Ask your child if they have a favorite prayer.  One of our family favorites is the “Superman Prayer?”  Hearing my children pray is a blessing itself!

During our meals together, I find my children opening up about their day.  They share concerns that are showing up for them and we touch base on the activities for the week.  I find that if we prepare and eat meals together, we eat better AND stay better connected.  Granted, no one is perfect….it doesn’t happen every night and we occasionally make a stop at a fast food restaurant, but I enjoy our mealtimes together at home more and attempt to make it happen as much as possible.   What tips and tricks do you use to make meal-time go smoother in your house?

This blog post was authored by Michelle Verley, a Lead Teacher at the First Lutheran Site.

Lake Area Discovery Center (LADC) is a Christian based non-profit organization who provides programming for 2, 3 4 and 5 year olds.  Our mission is to support parents and children through a creative environment that promotes and teaches Christian values, honors diversity and fosters fellowship within the total community.  Nationally Accredited since 2009, LADC hires only four-year degreed early childhood or kindergarten certified lead teachers.  For more information, please visit us at our website: http://www.ladcfamilies.org.

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Positive comments from significant adults provide important guideposts for children’s behavior. Positive comments will, in the long run, be much more helpful to children than negative ones. Children need to be in supportive, friendly environments. There are some new insights into how to make statements of praise more effective and consistent with the goals most early childhood specialist have for children; that is, positive self-concept, autonomy, self-reliance and motivation for learning.

Common, much-used expressions of praise, such as “I like the way Margaret is listening,” or “Good job, Jose,” or “Marc, what a nice shirt,” may be at odds with intended early childhood environments by cooperation, encouragement and positive relationships. In the light of current research findings and theoretical considerations, both research and theory point to the reality that there are effective and ineffective ways to praise.

Why do we praise children? 1. To help them feel good about themselves, 2. to reinforce or encourage learning and 3. as a strategy to promote (motivate) appropriate behavior

Does praise foster a positive self-image? If a child is praised for walking the balance beam (“Good Job, Emily!”), does the praise help the child feel successful when she has been walking the beam for two years?

Does the praise extend or enrich the child? (“What a beautiful painting, John!”) Does the praise set the child up for failure? No child can be good, nice or smart all the time, so the child may not take chances or try difficult tasks for fear they may not be praised or may be negatively evaluated.

Does praise motivate young children? Studies have found that praise cause children to focus on external rewards rather than the task at hand and the intrinsic rewards that come from “a job well done!” The reward seems to become an end in itself, thus weakening self-motivation.

Does praise contribute to effective behavior management? “I like the way Jason is cleaning up his toys” is aimed not only at approving Jason’s behavior but at nudging those around him to conform. Use of praise in this manner can lead to anger and resentment.

Encouragement vs. Praise Does this mean we should never praise our children? Not at all! It just means that the research suggests there are effective and ineffective ways to praise. Effective Praise = Encouragement

* Praise is to express approval or admiration- when a task is well-done, completed

* To encourage is a positive response that focuses on a child’s efforts and a specific attribute of the work completed. It doesn’t place judgement on the work or give information regarding its value.

* Encouragement is specific (“I noticed you used a lot of blue paint!” “You spent a lot of time on that painting.”)

* Encouragement is adult initiated and usually takes place in private

* Encouragement focuses on improvement or process rather than the end product (replace “Good Job” with “You did that all by yourself!” or “I noticed that you have been working here all morning!”)

* Encouragement does not set children up for failure (“Lisa, I noticed you shared the blocks with Jason today!”)

* Encouragement helps children develop an appreciation of their own behaviors and achievements (“You must feel proud..” or “You looked excited when you…”)

* Encouragement avoids comparisons and competition (“You read by yourself  for 15 minutes- longer than yesterday!” “Ginny, I noticed you cleaned up the block area by putting the blocks on their shelf.” “You walked quietly, your feet made no sound!” “How does that make you fee?”)

The Long Term Effects on Children

Children will thrive in environments where they do not fear being judged or evaluated, where they can make mistakes and learn from them, and where they do not need to always strive to meet someone else’s standard of excellence. Encouragement fosters autonomy, positive self-esteem, a willingness to explore and an acceptance of self and others.

(Some material adapted from the article “Praise or Encouragement? New Insights into Praise” by  Randy Hitz and Amy Driscoll)

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There are different styles of parenting. Each parent comes to the table with their own approach or “style”, that when combined with their partner’s style and children’s personalities greatly effect the outcomes of guidance and discipline.

As you read through these parenting styles, remember that we are all of these styles at some point in our parenting journey!

The Permissive Parent or “The Yielder”

Might Say: It is better to have no rules than to worry about breaking them; Children can get along pretty well if you just leave them along; The children don’t listen to me, so I have quit trying; My work and home responsibilities are too stressful, I can’t worry about what the children are doing.

Characteristics: Few demands; Sets no guidelines; Little structure; Avoids asserting authority; Warm and accepting; As much freedom as possible

The Authoritarian Parent or “The Enforcer”

Might Say: Children should obey their parents and not talk back; I was spanked as a child and I turned out okay; I expect my children to conform to my decisions without discussion; Children should do as I say until they are old enough to make their own decisions

Characteristics: Many rules; High expectations for behavior; Strict; Relies on punishment; Generally doesn’t allow choices or freedom of expression; Value obedience, tradition and order; Do not expect children to express disagreement

The Authoritative Parent or “The Negotiator”

Might say: Children should be given choices; Sometimes children have a point. I try to listen to them; I take care not to criticize my children or call names even when I cannot understand why they act as they do; Although it takes hard work, parents and children should try to talk about family decisions and let each person share his or her feelings

Characteristics: Communicate well with their children; Retain authority; High standards and expectations for behavior; Firmly enforces rules; Clear and explicit children’s independence, decisions and feelings.

Effects on our children…

Children of the Permission Parent, or “The Yielder” are often friendly and self-assertive. They have high self-esteem and low levels of impulse control. Children often have low levels of compliance and may be reluctant to accept responsibility.

Children of the Authoritative “Enforcer” Parent may lack social competence, have lower self-esteem and less intellectual curiosity. You may seen them rarely take the initiative in activities and rely on the voice of authority.

Children of the Authoritative “Negotiator” Parent are friendly and self-assertive. They often have healthy self-esteem, are independent, cooperative and achievement oriented.

When Parenting Styles are different between parent partners, recognizing your own parenting style is the first step toward communication and building a parenting plan. Take time for discussions about scenarios, outcomes and goals you both have for your children. Parenting from a shared place of values and goals will give your children stability and a clear picture of expectations and consequences.

Character Building… Children learn what they live and you are the most important teacher they will ever have in their life! We teach through our actions. Take a look at all of the things that you would like your child to be equipped with to take on the ups and downs that life has to offer. Ask yourself: “Do I give my children opportunities to experience and learn through what I do and teach each day?”

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Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you upa nd take you to play at the park.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if it comes.

Just for this afternoon, I won’t worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won’t stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald’s and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we both sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my fingers through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think of the mothers and fathers who, for many reasons, are no longer putting their children to bed…

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day….

- Author Unknown

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Wake Up!!

Decide to have a good day. “Today is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!” Psalms 118:24

Dress Up!!

The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

Hush Up!!

Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we must be meant to do twice as much listening as talking. “He who guards his lips guards his soul.” Proverbs 13:3

Stand Up!!

Stand for something or you will fall for anything. “Let us not be weary of doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good…” Galatians 6:9-10

Look Up!!

To the Lord… “I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

Reach Up!!

For something higher… “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Lift Up!!

Your Prayers… “Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING.” Philippians 4:6

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